did not come
Snows and stale,
I wrote last
at the top
of every scrawl-
until the lion
roared did I
let this year
pass and time
2008. It doesn't seem possible. I look back in my writing notebook and see this poem that I wrote in March 2006, and the sentiments expressed in it still hold true now. How can it be another new year? Where did 2007 tuck itself away? I was still getting used to the idea of being newly married, of it being Halloween and then Thanksgiving, and I still had not become completely comfortable with the thought of Christmas. And now, a new year? Wow, and ouch.
I'm supposed to make a resolution, or resolutions, I think. But like a friend of mine expressed yesterday over our last coffee of the year, resolutions are kind of lame. I dislike them, probably because I try to complete them of my own strength instead of God's and as a result fail, often and inevitably with spectacular effect. So I resist them, but again I find myself with a desire to see things in my life changed. What to do? I think that I will gather some of them and trust them to the Lord instead of to myself. Feel free to hold me accountable, loverly reader.
So what are these trembling gems of thought and desire? Here are a handful.
- Realign my priorities, making God truly first instead of myself, my husband, myself, work, myself, writing, myself . . . sensing a trend here? And not only put God first, but trust Him to set all the other things right.
- Be more disciplined: spiritually, in our home, at work (including my writing), in health, diet, and fitness, in hobbies (like crocheting -- I think I will take Ed up on her No Naked Needles, or in my case hooks, challenge for the year, attempting to always have some sort of crocheting project in the works). I write this having skipped blogging for the final three days of 2007. Bah.
- Gain weight. My doctor wants me to gain what at this point amounts to probably another 5 to 10 pounds. And I'm hating it. I need the weight so my body can support my reproductive functions -- I haven't had my period since February of last year, due to unhealthy severe dieting and over-exercise. The trouble is, I love being skinny. I love being able to wear whatever I want, to feel sexy and not at all flabby. But it's not good -- apparently my body structure or genetics or some random x factor require that I have more body fat. It's hard because my BMI is officially normal in terms of all the medical charts and information that's out there for my height and age -- except that my body isn't functioning properly. And not only that, I often have trouble thinking, keeping my focus, and, above all now that winter is here to stay, keeping warm both indoors and out. So I'm tired of all the crud that comes along with being skinny, and yet when I feel the extra pounds and flab -- flab that I need, despite what my foolish brain and this superficial, image-driven, anorexia-riddled culture that I try to navigate say -- I feel sick, I feel like a failure, I feel disgusting and ugly and foul, despite what my wonderful, amazing husband says, despite what my doctor has said. So. There it is. At least 5 more pounds. And the brand new muffin top that has moved into my abdominal region quivers in trepidation even as I write this. Oh, foolish me. Why can't I get my worth from Christ instead of from my own image, an idol that will never satisfy?
Calendar photo from A Little Hut.