I've been getting back into yoga. At first, I was nervous. I was afraid to have to listen to my body that much, to be alone with my physical and mental and emotional selves all at the same time. In other words, to be present. I've been missing this part of life, and definitely in my exercising, and I finally have begun to address it.
I realized that when I practice yoga, I feel vulnerable. Dealing with just being me is so hard and so scary at times. I'm afraid I might fail to get enough of a workout, which I unwisely rely upon for at least some of my self worth and identity. I'm also afraid the experience will be awful or feel like a waste of time. I experience the same fears every time I pick up my hoop, which is intriguing. However, I never regret even a few minutes of hoop dance -- and the same is true for yoga. I never feel sorry I did it, or tried.
It's been a rough week as I have begun basing my exercise on a HEAB-style foundation of morning yoga instead of killer sunrise cardio. Full of semi-stressful eating (i.e., some stumbles), but I've also seen some victories. I feel more like myself, if that makes sense. I feel sexy and okay with being a little curvier than ED-me might choose. It's becoming easier to trust myself.
And . . . I'm enjoying the yoga quite a bit. I'm also finding more enjoyment in my job, in writing, and in hanging out with the Best Husband Ever. (He really is the best, you know. Sorry to all the rest of the wives in the world -- I got the top pick of men!) And I have not felt the desperate need to eateateat or to hide away all alone in some secluded corner of the world, or I've been able to resist and find healthier methods of dealing with whatever issues are getting to me.
Victories? I'd say so.
It helps that YogaDownload.com has just released five new classes. I haven't tried any of them yet, but you can bet that I've already downloaded a few. We've got a new Dave Farmar Baptiste power yoga class (he's one of my favorite yoga podcasters), a new core class, two strength building classes (one with weights!), and, introducing a new style for the site, Jivamukti yoga. Plus, if I'm not mistaken these classes are now in video format where previous podcasts are audio-only.
I don't need to be super thin or super athletic to be a worthwhile person. I don't need to do yoga, either, or hoop or write. There is only one thing that is necessary: I need to trust God and trust myself. I need to love Jesus, and then love myself, love my body. I want to do these things . . . but I might need a little help. Send spare prayers/hopes/dreams/wishes my way, if you think of it! Meanwhile, I'll be letting God carry me through, both on the mat and off.