Who is this person I've become? Yesterday I was given a glimpse of what the rest of my life still might hold -- health, balance, and friendship. The day was more full of outside obligations than usual -- I had to take Cody to the vet for some shots, and then I had planned to meet a friend for a long overdue hang/chat session. In the evening, I was going to hook up with some local hoopers for a hike and mountain top jam.
Even though that doesn't sound like nearly enough to fill up a date book page, these obligations were placed at such intervals that I didn't feel like I had time to squeeze in writing, workouts, or yoga. As much as I longed to see my friend and to participate in the hiking-and-hooping, this stressed me out. A day without exercise? Yes, I plan one rest day a week, but it usually falls on a Sunday. This was Friday. A failure to exercise felt inexcusable.
I was tempted to reschedule the appointment at the vet, to push back my meet up with the friend, and to bow out of hooping. The old disordered voice inside wanted my day free and clear -- so I could take care of my body, the voice whispered, but I thought its motivations might be a little different. I thought it wanted me to be as un-social as possible. But, as scary as opening up to more people a little at a time might feel -- I don't want to be a hermit. My desire for human relationship and contact is overriding my fears -- and the eating disordered part of me does not like that at all.
Yesterday's seemingly simple schedule -- God time, breakfast, vet, lunch, friend, dinner, hooping -- turned into a battle. Healthy me versus disordered me. Sanity versus insanity. Good versus evil . . . okay, perhaps it wasn't quite as epic as all that, but it was still a struggle. Certainly I could cancel at least one of my three obligations to make room for a sweat session, right? That wouldn't be cowardly at all, right? Right . . . ?
Guess which obligation I canceled. None of them. Not one. I decided to walk to meet up with my friend in the afternoon and counted that as my exercise for the day. Interestingly, the hoop hike was rescheduled due to weather, but I didn't know that until late in the day. What's more, hanging out with the friend whom I haven't seen in far too long felt so sweet and blessed. It felt good and right and, above all, healthy.
Yesterday, I trembled at my decision to prioritize relationship over habit, people over myself and my dysfunction, receding though it may be. Today, I am proud of myself. This was pure victory. We are not meant to live in isolation, I think, and yesterday represented a brave -- if shaky -- step toward the restoring of healthy friendships in my life. I refuse to live in an eating disorder-dictated vacuum any longer.