I hate that Eve is dead, that for whatever reason You didn't save her life. But I love You and all that You seem to be (merciful, saving, loving, deeply caring -- and more that I don't yet know or cannot fathom). And I know that she is with You, safe. Complete, as the Best Husband Ever murmured to me in the hospital as we said good-bye to our precious first child, our only daughter.
I have hope for her. That hope is strong.
But my hope for me . . . that is not as strong. There is much fear.
Will we have living children? I feel that the answer is "Yes," but is that just wishful thinking? Yesterday I thought that we will have a son next (soon?) and name him Jacob. Will this happen?
I had all but given up on having children at all, Daddy. But then I got pregnant, and even though Eve is gone from us, the desire for a family that YOU refreshed is stronger than ever. Please don't let me down.
You have already fulfilled many other deep desires that I had never bothered hoping for because I did not think them possible. But you have shown me what a healthy [church] family looks like and feels like. You have given me sisters. And You even gave me a daughter.
I miss her so much. I miss the life I thought we might have.
What will You do now? What are you up to??
It seems ludicrous to trust You, to trust that You won't take another baby away, that you won't leave us childless, leave me bereft in unrealized hopes for a family.
But that's all that I can do. I can't help but trust You. Nothing else is certain. Because although my heart is broken, I find you right here, with me (Psalm 34:18). Help me to trust You more, to lean on you harder, hope in You deeper. I can do all things in Jesus, Your son. You lost a child, too, for a while.
Let me breathe You, Abba Father (Psalm 34:2). I love You. I can't help it. Lead on. . . .