I got this letter a few days ago. It made me cry grateful tears.
Even though I am only just being able to see it, God has been pursuing me, taking care of me. Sending me the right books, the right words at the right time. Verses that gently guide me back into His Word when I am afraid of what I will find there. This letter.
He is bringing me to life. Looking back to before Eve died, I wonder if I was not truly awake to life until now.
He has been healing my bitterness, and my capacity for bitterness. He has made me able to sing again, sing for joy and thanksgiving and praise. Sing without angry tears and acid pain.
He is giving me new eyes that see with searing clarity just how much pain there is in the hearts of humankind, how much of a need for grace and Life. This gift breaks me in just the right way and sends me to my knees, sends me running into His arms.
And He has been building up my heart, regrowing new flesh over the torn-away bits. The new flesh does not make the wound disappear, does not undo the amputation of my sweet Eve, but it makes me feel that I might just be okay in the end.
He doesn't have to do this. I certainly don't deserve it. My emotional flailing these past seven weeks has not always been very honoring to Him. But He does it anyway, because He wants to.
Because He wants to.
Can you believe it?
I can't help it -- my soul sings gratitude.
"I would prefer to take my chances living in a universe in which I get what I do not deserve-again, either way. That means that I will suffer loss, as I already have, but it also means I will receive mercy. Life will end up being far worse than it would have otherwise been; it will also end up being far better. I will have to endure the bad I do not deserve; I will also get the good I do not deserve. I dread experiencing undeserved pain, but it is worth it to me if I can also experience undeserved grace. . . .
"So, God spare us from a life of fairness! To live in a world with grace is better by far than to live in a world of absolute fairness. A fair world may make life nice for us, but only as nice as we are. We may get what we deserve, but I wonder how much that is and whether or not we would really be satisfied. A world with grace will give us more than we deserve. It will give us life, even in our suffering."
~ Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised