Saturday, March 10, 2012

Choosing Trust

5 weeks 2 days

Four months ago, I was waiting to go to the hospital to induce the birth of our dead daughter.  Eight and a half weeks ago, I began the journey into pregnancy without even knowing that I was.

One child who is dead.  One child who is just beginning to live.

How can I resolve these two realities?

The truth is that I am struggling.  And really, I am struggling far less than I would have expected.  I have only had a handful of sleepless nights since finding out that another's life again lives within me, only a few horrible days were anxiety ruled.  Strangely, the fear has been less than it seems it should be.

But it is still there.

How do you celebrate new life when the life you already celebrated and expected and lived for the fulfillment of ended without out warning, without known cause?  When your life has already been the definition of traumatic?  How do you hope for the best when the worst, that rare worst, has already scarred you?

This is what I am learning.

I don't know if I am learning it well.  But I am trying.

I think -- I think -- what it comes down to is trust.  The only other option is a life of bitterness and fear and hopelessness.  Because I have already learned how little I can control in this life, how little is truly under my power to protect.  There is only One that has true control, true power, and I try everyday to trust Him.

Some days it is not as hard.  Strangely, it was easier to trust God in the days and weeks after Eve died than it is now.  But I am still trying.  Trust is not a feeling.  It is a discipline.  I am trying to discipline my heart and mind, trying to cultivate trust that He is out for our growth, not our hurt.

I am trying to let Him grow trust in me.

My first baby died.  This baby might die.  My husband, my friends, my family, my dogs, my health -- nothing is exempt.  But everything is in His hands.

And so I choose to trust.  Even though it is hard.  Even though at times it feels like throwing myself off a cliff.  Even though God feels very far away.

I choose to trust the One worthy of all my trust.


  1. Your Faith is amazing. Hold on to that trust.

  2. Faith is a great healer. I'm sending prayers to you. great love your friend in the east - beth

  3. What could change your perspective of Eve...she IS alive, but living with her Father, your Father.

  4. I like this. I struggle with trust issues far more than I'd like to. I think I tend to fear that God's will for me will be more heartache, but I have to trust that He is in control, that He makes all bad things turn to good (because I love Him) and that He doesn't want pain for me - but life. Still a struggle, but something I want to always remember. Praying for you!

  5. Oh, and that comment on how God feels far away reminds me of a women's study I'm in right now by Beth Moore. It is on James and grace. In the last video she talked about the rains and the in between time. For crops, you wanted the rains. You waited for them. So sometimes God rains down on us and we feel Him with us. Other times, in between the rains, He feels far away, but He is really just "underground" doing things. God has promised that the rain is coming. In 1 Kings 18:41-46 Elijah knew that the rain was coming. While praying, he kept asking his assistant to go look at the sky - 7 times he did that. Then he saw a small little cloud and Elijah said to hurry up and get ready because the rains would be upon them. She said "I am looking for one small cloud, Lord!"

  6. Oh I DO believe this -- the day I die is going to be even sweeter because I will hopefully get to see her alive for the first time -- and not just alive, but ALIVE in Christ! But even though I have this hope, it makes living here without her so hard. A part of me died with her. But you're right -- death is not the end of the story. Not by a long shot.

  7. We are doing the same Beth Moore study! And, impossibly, we are on the same week! We just watched that video this past week at small group. I loved it -- spent the entire video fighting back tears.

  8. Your posting today was the answer to the question I wanted to ask you. I tried putting myself in your shoes (the being pregnant again part) and wondered if you were feeling some of the thoughts and wrestling with the trust issues that I have (and would have) on this side of baby loss. Your reply was what I imagined I might conclude as well. I am praying for you and Baby Morey and cheering (him?) on! :-)

  9. A couple of books that might help you through this difficult time of grieving and hoping:

    Noah's Rainbow by David Fleming

    An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken

  10. And I do not mean to minimize your pain or feelings AT ALL. I can't even begin to fathom the hardness of this Beth. You are so strong and faithful. You strengthen my faith.

  11. Thanks! I'll check out the Fleming book...I already have a copy of the McCracken, but haven't read it yet.

  12. I know you don't, friend. But this is so much different from ED, in so many ways. First is that, unlike ED, it is not something you ever leave behind (at least this is what I hear, and what I imagine from what I've already felt). You learn to carry it, but it never heals completely. Also, unlike ED, grief makes sense. It really does, so even though it hurts, it is so much less scary than ED. Anyway, don't know why I'm saying that, other than that it's on my mind, and you get the craziness of ED.

  13. Thanks, Heather. I feel like this pregnancy after loss thing is a lot like having your child die in your body -- it requires a choice on how you are going to face it. And I am trying to choose trust, just like you. Although sometimes that involves a bit of wrestling...but since Jacob did that and was blessed, I don't think that's a bad thing!

  14. Beth so beautifully said and I needed to hear it I have really been struggling trusting God. I am so scared to get pregnant.....We have always wanted a large family. However fear is now my enemy.

  15. Beth, I haven't been by in a while, and for that I apologize. I have kept you in my heart and prayers though, and I'll be praying for the new little life inside you to grow and arrive safely in our world.

    I also want to tell you how proud I am to call you a sister in the hoop, in the Lord, in hope. Your faithfulness to share your testimony through this blog is wonderfully encouraging to so many, and your choice to lean into God instead of falling back on old coping mechanisms is so praiseworthy. May the Lord bless you and keep you, my sweet sister.

  16. [...] Let me just say that it’s not just about my daughter’s absence (although I am missing her so much), or being pregnant again (which is a difficult exercise in trust). [...]


"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King