Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Baby Socks

Untitled 
It started with baby socks.

Not long after Eve died, I felt like God promised that we would not only have another child, but that it would be the boy.  I still don't know if this promise came from Him or from some strange subconscious thought, but it kept me going as I crossed what should have been the finish line of my first pregnancy, Eve's due date. I felt compelled to step out in faith in this perceived promise, and so I bought baby socks -- the softest, most cozy socks I could find.  Socks for a little boy.

I immediately felt foolish.  I tucked the socks away in the room that would have been Eve's and tried not to think about them.

A few weeks later, a pregnancy test shocked me with its positive result.  Pregnant again.

For the first month of this pregnancy, I felt incapacitated by fear.  I couldn't do much besides huddle on the couch and try not to want this second baby too much.

Then the Best Husband Ever and I went to our first appointment of this new pregnancy, and our doctor reassured us that the baby looked healthy and had a strong heartbeat.  It seemed impossible, but the truth of it began to melt my fear.

One of the many, many losses that Eve's death has brought about is that I no longer have a living daughter to lavish sweet gifts upon.  I was so looking forward to dressing her in adorable outfits, tying back her curls into little pigtails, and decorating her nursery in purples.  As I prepared for her arrival, I began to shop for clothes, and happily there seemed no end to cute little girl outfits.

Boys, it seems, are not afforded the same attention by stores.  It has been hard for me to find even remotely cute clothing for baby boys.  After the loss of Eve, this truth hurts more than it ordinarily would.

But a few weeks ago, I saw a baby boy outfit that I actually liked -- no, loved.  Striped turquoise and green with a little collar, I could not leave it on the rack, and so I bought it.  I took it home and hung it on a tiny hanger in my closet.

Again, as with the socks, I wondered if I had done something foolish.  If I was just setting myself up for more pain.  But, unlike the socks, the outfit is just too adorable to ignore, and so I continue to think of it and hope happy.

Today I went to Target, for sneakers, but somehow I found myself trailing along the aisles of the baby department.  It was hard for me to be there.  After Eve died, it literally terrified me.  And now, even though I have a legitimate reason to be shopping for baby items, I feel like an imposter.

But then I saw it -- a diaper bag, one that I actually liked.  The first I've seen ever, in fact, that I liked.  I fussed over it for what seemed like a long while, ignoring very pregnant mamas and their bellies as they shuffled past.  I reached fingers gingerly into each pocket and hideaway, wondering -- do I dare buy this?  It wasn't like the socks, or the outfit, which barely cost anything.  This would be a significant purchase, and one that I know would hurt if the worst happens again.

I bought it anyway.  I left the store with my prize, feeling heavy.  I drove home in tears.  Am I a fool? I kept wondering.  Am I?  As soon as I got home, I stashed the bag in the closet holding the rest of the baby things that would have been Eve's and now never will be.

It started with baby socks.  Baby socks that I had no reason to buy, but now have every reason to own.

And I have every reason to hope, don't I?  Sometimes it seems that that cannot be true.

Still, I will not give up hope.  And I will not give up on living out that hope, even if I feel like a fool every time I do.

Because really, those socks, that outfit, and the bag are more of an encouragement than anything else.  They are vital pieces of evidence to myself -- evidence that I refuse to stop believing even when I have every reason to.  More than that, they are evidence of the greater hope I have in God, and He is faithful.

Besides, I feel like I have no other choice.  I can either practice hope, become lost in numbness, or wither in fear.  There seem no other options.

Can you relate?  Do you ever feel that you must step out in faith, like you have no other choice?

Untitled

18 comments:

  1. Oh Beth, there is such great Hope and if that makes us fools I'm all for it. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love how you put that, Lisa! Just brilliant. <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. yup. when i had my m/c i got pregnant a couple weeks after. i didn't dare buy anything, or even hope. but some kind of calm came over me when i figured out i am not in control. enjoy every minute. i was in denial i was pregnant my entire pregnancy and now i regret it. enjoy his/her movements, every one of them.
    eve was too beautiful for this earth, but maybe this baby is meant to be with you. i have fate that he is.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you, Dana! Are you still pregnant with your rainbow now? I'd love to hear more of your story sometime if you're up for sharing it. Thanks for having faith with me. Here's to enjoying every precious, terrifying minute! <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. nope, my lil angel is 1 next friday (the 13th). worth every.single.crazy moment we went thru. she had a 2 vessel cord, fluid in her abdomen and heart. she for a while was thought to have downs or something worse because of them. the day we set up her crib i kept picturing a downs baby and crying. thankfully the fluid just went away. then because of the 2 vessel i had to have weekly nst's and if she wasn't moving so many times an hour from 30 weeks on, i had to go have an nst because she was high risk for being born sleeping (since only one way for blood to get to and from her). from 20 weeks to birth was the scariest thing ever, even at birth (after 18 hrs of labor, fever from infection and emergency csection) she had mirconium in her lungs and was so purple. so totally worth it tho. you never stop worrying, even after they're born. it's a whole new kind of worry (like when she choked in the hospital). i always said pregnancy is God's way of training me for motherhood.

    ReplyDelete
  6. i'd also like to say, i too had my doubts about God. how he could possibly let something happen to my first baby and then let so many things happen to my current baby...BUT once theyre born, there is no doubt. i believe in God and his miracles. any day that i doubt, i just have to look into my baby's eyes and all doubt floats away.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for sharing, Dana. Ugh that pregnancy sounds crazy! I'm amazed that anyone could get through that, especially after a previous loss. God is so good. <3

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can totally relate. I was just stopping by to see how you are. I love those little sock. We have talked about getting pregnant again and fear put such a lump in my throat I can hardly swallow. I think of you and pray for you often. I have shared my beautiful card with others and they are always so impressed with your art. Do you have a grab button I can put in my resources page? I I did a post on some resources today, I am going to do another one in a few day and put your cards on it, It would be great if I knew where to link to. I love reading your post!

    ReplyDelete
  9. it was crazy, but the upside is i got to see her at least once a month which most parents don't get to do. other cool thing is i have u/s pics from each one so she can literally see herself grow from 7 weeks to 36 weeks.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I just recently lost my second son, Noah. And the fear of another pregnancy and loss is making me think we are done. I understand your fear to buy things. I never wanted to buy anything with Noah since my body was having so much trouble with that pregnancy.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank you, Tesha, for your prayers. I appreciate it more than I can say. I don't know if it's comforting, but it seems to me (from my experiences and what I've heard of others) that rainbow pregnancies are very scary -- but worth it to take that baby home in the end. I'll be praying for you.

    As for my art stuff, I'd love it if you would share! You can find all of my stuff here: http://www.bethmorey.com/art-shop

    Thank you! It has been hard to be creative again since Eve died, but hearing that my art may encourage others even a little is a really great motivator. Thank you! <3

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh I'm so sorry, Mariah. Hugs and prayers toy you. Remembering sweet Noah. <3

    ReplyDelete
  13. That's SO cool!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oops that RedBubble link got messed up, Tesha -- here's the real one: http://www.redbubble.com/people/bethmorey

    ReplyDelete
  15. Tesha, I left you a really really long and confusing reply to your comment. I've since edited, but didn't know if you would see that if you'd already ready my reply. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I condensed my many confused art links to one page. Whew! :) Here it is: http://www.bethmorey.com/art-shop <3

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thanks Beth....I understood :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. my friend, i am so glad you've chosen Hope <3

    ReplyDelete
  18. Me, too, Penny. Thanks for encouraging me to make that choice. Did you know that this creation of mine was born when you encouraged me to be cautiously hopeful about being pregnant with a rainbow? --> http://www.redbubble.com/people/bethmorey/works/8...

    ReplyDelete

"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King