Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day

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I had thought that she would be here with me today.  When I thought about Mother's Day at all, that is.  I thought that we would be holding our first child in our arms, that we would be seasoned by four months of new parenthood, that what started out as the hardest thing we'd ever done would suddenly start feeling more routine as we grew steadier and she grew beautifully.

Instead, Eve's ashes live on a shelf in our living room, and the only part of her that was ever truly her lives in the arms of Christ. 

When I first saw that positive pregnancy test nearly one year ago now, I knew that we were in for the challenge of our lives.  I knew that it would be so difficult, so scary, and so worth it. 

I was right.  Being a parent to a stillborn child has been the hardest, scariest thing I have ever done -- and it is so worth it. 

Parenting a dead child is unlike anything I could ever have imagined.  There have been so many difficult things -- the sleepless nights, the endless ways that you second guess yourself, the tender and aching chest, the fear that you are doing it wrong, the way that your marriage is shifting and changing before your eyes.  And yet . . . are these things not also experienced by new parents of living children?  Moreover, I think that parents of living children would agree with me -- that being a parent (regardless of whether your child lives or not) is endlessly worth every bit of pain and fear and sacrifice. 

That is what I am celebrating on this, the first Mother's Day that I know that I am a mother.  I am celebrating the first life that we were gifted with that ended before we wanted it to, and the second life that is growing within.  I am celebrating the fact that in the past year, my husband and I have become the parents to two children who have and are changing us for the better. 

A mother is a mother.  I am a mother.  If you say that you are a mother, regardless of whether you have children tugging at your hem today, I agree with you.  Let us be mothers together, and celebrate the blessing that God has so lavishly given.

Wishing a happy mama's day to you, friends.

12 comments:

  1. happy mother's day, beth. Eve is with you, wishing you the same. She has touched so many more lives, her life and her death will never be forgotten.

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  2. I so agree with you. Being my baby's mommy is worth everything. Hope you're having a peaceful Mother's day!

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  3. You are a Mommy and Eve is so proud of you. I had an 'Ah Ha' moment a few months ago...I was at the fabric store picking out new fabric for our LilyWraps. I ran into my girlfriend - she was telling me how amazing it is how I am keeping Lily 'alive' by parenting her through Heaven. I can't 'Mother' Lily here on earth but I will most certainly always be her Mommy and this is how I am doing it. You Beth are doing the same, through your writing, your art and just being her Mommy. Happy Mother's Day - thank you for this beautiful post ♥

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  4. You are doing such a great job honoring your Eve and your Saviour! This is a really hard weekend, thank you for taking the time to post. Brought me encouragement just when I needed it. Happy Mother's Day.

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  5. Beth, this is absolutely stunning and I agree with every word.

    I hope and will fervently pray that a year from now you will be holding a baby in your arms.

    For now, you are doing such an admirable and beautiful job of mothering Eve and your baby in utero.

    Happy Mother's Day to you.

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  6. I am a bit late but I wanted to say happy mother's day beth!

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  7. I hope you had a wonderful day!

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  8. Thank you all! I hope it was a gentle day for you all, too.

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  9. Hi Beth this is late but Happy Mother's day my friend. I hope you were honored and blessed yesterday! You are a wonderful mommy to Eve :) I am remembering her with you and saying a prayer for you now!

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  10. Thank you for stopping by my blog... I'm so sorry to hear about Eve. My heart goes out to you, esp for a mothers day without her. Hoping your next mothers day is more peaceful. Love always xoxo

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"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King