Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Turbulent May

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May.  I have been dreading it.  It seems like every time I turn around, there is another "big day" during this month to cause me pain. 

May 6 . . . International Bereaved Mother's Day.  Although I am grateful for the recognition that this provides, I feel anxious about it.  What will I do on May 6?  Probably not much, because I'll be gearing up to survive the following week . . .

May 13 . . . Mother's Day.  I cannot tell you how much the thought of this holiday makes me feel physically sick.  I am certain that I will be forgotten, that my motherhood and my daughter's death will not be recognized on this day when I desperately need them to be.  I have been grappling with serious identity issues since Eve died, and I feel like this holiday will grind salt into my wounds and mock my questions.

May 20 . . . the six month anniversary of Eve's death.  Again, the anticipation of this makes me feel physically sick.  I ache for her.

May 27 . . . the one year anniversary of Eve's life.  On May 27, 2011, the Best Husband Ever and I found out that we were parents.  It seems strange that a year has already cycled from the excitement of that day, bringing with it such a mess of life and death.

May 30 (or so) . . . our rainbow baby's 20 week ultrasound.  It is strange -- I am both looking forward to and dreading this ultrasound.  I am excited because it will be the first time we get to see our baby looking like a baby, and we will find out for sure if it is a boy (I still think it is!).  But it will be so emotionally difficult to see our second child before his birth, knowing what happened to his sister 11 weeks after that gestation's ultrasound.  And now, due to my involvement in the babyloss community, I know exactly what kinds of awful things we could find out at 20 weeks.  And so, I am a mess.

On top of all that, there are many babyloss friends who will be remembering their lost children's anniversaries birth and death.  Sometimes life just feels too hard.

May, will I survive you?

14 comments:

  1. I've found that it is the days leading up to "A Big Marker" that are the worst. May 26th will be 2 years since my daughter was born and the 28th will be 2 years since she died. We've moved well over a thousand miles from the cemetery where she is buried so I think that will give its own aspects of difficulty but I'm getting to a place where I celebrate her existence. Mother's day was hard. I'd received cards from family before she was born wishing me a happy mother's day but the year after she died, nothing. Only my husband remembered. I'll be thinking of and praying for you!

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    1. Ugh I'm sorry that no one but your husband remembered -- but I'm so glad that he did! Big hugs.

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  2. Im Nan, here from Tesha blog. Somehow, we survive (((hugs))), Im just grateful for the support of others who have walked this hard road with me. Lifting you up for May, and beyond...Nan

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  3. Oh, Beth. My heart is breaking for you. So much in one month. Just remember, you *are* a mother, and have every right to be recognized as such on mother's day this year. I know it seems like almost every holiday nowadays is built up to be this shiny happy sparkly event, but I think the original mother's day *was* intended for mothers just like us, who are desperately missing their children. Sending you the biggest hugs, big enough to last all month!

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    1. Yes, it made me feel so good to learn the origination of Mother's Day, beginning as a time to grieve collectively and to protest WWI. I wish more people remembered that now. Hugs back! :)

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  4. Praying and trusting that He is already going before you for these upcoming "bigs".

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    1. I forget that He can do that! Thanks for reminding me, Lisa.

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  5. I am visiting from Tesha's link up :)
    I too dread the month of May.
    (((hugs)))

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    1. Big hugs back, Trennia. I'm sorry that you're in the "dreading May" boat...but at least we can keep each other company. xoxo

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  6. Oh Beth, that is A LOT. I am sorry May holds so many triggers for you please know I will be saying extra prayers for you.(((Hugs))) my friend you will make it, your not alone lots of people love you and will be praying.

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    1. Thank you so much, Tesha. xoxo

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  7. *HUGS*

    I'm praying for you, dear friend xoxo

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"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King