Thursday, June 28, 2012

{30 Days of Relationship} I Have No Answers

Stumped

Remember this post?  The one in which I declared that I was needing something different in my approach to Jesus, that I was changing this up?  All guts and glory and pulling myself up by my spiritual bootstraps.

Well.  It hasn't been going so well.

Here's what I think a major problem with the whole I'm-bucking-my-faith-system!!! thing is: that I think of it as "my approach TO Jesus."  Shouldn't it be my approach OF Jesus?  The first phrasing makes it feel like He's a problem to be solved; the second, like He's an actual person.

Another problem: I'm the one shouldering the issue in its entirety.  I'm not saying, "Hey, God?  I need some help."  It's more like, "Hey, God?  Here's what we're doing.  Try to keep up."

Um.  Oops?

That said, I think that something really does need to change.  But whereas in my first 30 Days of Relationship post I shared that I was the one making all the changes, now I'm thinking more that God's got to be in charge of that.

I don't like that as much.  Because it seems like it will entail a lot of waiting.  And I'm tired of waiting.

Tired of waiting for opportunities, for my "career," such as it is, to start.  And really, I guess I'm still waiting for my life to start, and I'm tired of that, too.

I'm tired of waiting to be a mama, to hold my child alive and squirming.  I ache, terribly, for this.  I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through another 15 weeks of pregnancy, especially when I know that there are no guarantees.

I'm tired of waiting to feel healed of past wounds that continue to dribble out their poison in the present.  To feel not-broken.

So to have to wait on God?  I just don't want to.

My reaction to the reality that whatever changes need to be made are up to Him?  Avoidance, of course.  I basically hid from Him all week, burying myself neck deep in planning and writing and other busy-ness that really are just the face of fear.

I've been hiding because I don't want to wait -- and because I don't want to feel disappointed by God.  (Come to think of it, isn't there a book on this very thing?  Yes, apparently, there is.)

Truthfully, I feel like a petulant child even writing this -- much less living it -- stamping my foot and wailing, "I don't wanna!" over and over.  But if that's where I'm truly at, I don't want to lie to myself (and to you) and scoff that I'm totally and perfectly fine, thanks.

But what to do?

Honestly, I don't know.  I suppose that I will wait, as much as I don't want to.  And press into His Word, as I can.

But maybe . . . I won't read the Bible in the morning.  I've been noticing, since Eve died, that when I let myself let go of my own plans, I tend to gravitate toward the Bible in the evening.  So maybe I will let that happen as it will, and not beat myself up for not being a Bible + breakfast gal while I need to.

I really thought that the next post in this 30 Days of Relationship series would be more encouraging, more full of look-what-I've-done-and-how-you-can-do-it-too words.  Instead, yet again, all I have to offer is my mess.

But maybe -- that is encouraging?  Somehow?  I'm not sure that I see how that's possible, only that I do appreciate reading a good oops-guess-I-got-it-wrong-this-time post because such an admission seems to give me permission to be not-perfect.  So maybe . . . maybe you will walk away from this post with the reassurance that it's okay to be not-perfect, too?

Because really, if my plan had gone as I wanted, wouldn't this post be all about how awesome I am, about how glorious and majestic and fantastic I am?  And that would be a lie.  Because whatever awesomeness I have isn't mine -- it's His.  So maybe, as much as the disappointment of this past week smarts, maybe this is the best way . . .

I have no answers.  But I think that's okay.

12 comments:

  1. Beth - I love your mess! Your "mess" encourages me, helping me to see that I am not the only one and that it is okay for me to be this mess of a person that I am. Every emotion I have felt over the past almost 5 months, I feel as if you have felt them, too and that speaks volumes to me! I am so thankful that I somehow stumbled onto your blog....I'm so thankful that God allows us to be real with each other and to encourage each other with our messes.

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    1. I am thankful for you, too, Abby! :) I guess the truth is that we're ALL messy and hurting in some profound way, so if it that's the way of life (especially the life of a mama whose baby is dead), I'm glad that we get to do this messy life thing together and encourage each other along toward the Prize.

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  2. The mess IS encouraging. So many people blog on and on about bliss and how wonderful their life is and sunshine and flowers all over the place and it annoys the crap out of me. Life is some sunshine and some shadows. Some peace and some turmoil. Some bliss and some struggles. You aren't someone who pretends to have all the answers. You're a real person, someone not afraid to acknowledge the confusion. Everyone struggles, but not everyone is honest about it. And by the way - you ARE awesome and glorious and fantastic. Ask Him, I bet he agrees with me.

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    1. Oh Goog this tickles me, because I totally feel the same ways about all those blissy blogs! It bugs the heck out of me. Especially now -- I want to ask them how having your baby die fits into their view/experience of life, because I am honestly curious. It doesn't seem possible that it's all bliss...thanks for reminding me that it's NOT all bliss all the time for anyone, not just me. I needed that.

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  3. Thanks I needed this. You put into words what has been sitting quietly in my soul for a while. I'm tired of waiting too. It's just so difficult, yet one of the verses that was given to me when Alexander died was the one that starts with "wait for the lord...." It is so hard to wait for his timing sometimes. Especially when it seems like some people don't have to. Yet we don't know what they are longing and waiting for. Hugs Beth. We can get through this with the help of god.

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    1. I hate that you're feeling that way too, Megan...but also encouraged that I'm not the only one. You actually crossed my mind at some point as I wrote this post, and I wondered how my other pregnant-after-a-loss BLMs were handling the waiting (I probably thought of you because your post on that topic in the rainbow group the other day). Waiting and waiting and more waiting...but one day soon, we'll be snuggling our boys, I hope. That is the prize that comes before the Prize.

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  4. Love your honesty Beth! Praying that you do make it through these 15 weeks and they are a time of growth and healing. I pray what comes next in your life would be more wonderful than your wildest dreams and that Jesus would be at the center of it :)

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    1. Thanks, sweet Tesha! Praying and hoping with you for the same for all of us BLMs.

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  5. I think it was Susannah Conway who posted an entry calling this tendency to just write about what's happy joyful perky wonderful. I read that entry and was like, "It's so true! We're always like, I'm okay and I'm fine" and that's not real at all. I see it in my own writing sometimes, especially in my lack of posting at all when things aren't good.

    All that to say, I appreciate when you offer up your reality and your mess and your questions. I thank you.

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    1. Thank you so much for that link!

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  6. Hi Beth, this was beautiful.

    You commented on my post on forgiveness and I decided to check out your blog. I saw you have a book on Life After Eating Disorder -- I, also, struggle with an eating disorder.

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    1. Thank you so much, Theresa, for your sweet words and for wandering over here. I'm sorry that you've had to struggle with the eating disorder beast, too! Big hugs.

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"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King