Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Some Exhausted Meandering + New Art


Remember how I said that I've been feeling stretched?  It's changed -- now I'm feeling straight up worn out.  I've been utterly exhausted every. single. day. for the past week and a half.  I'm tired of being so tired.

At first I thought it was due to the excitement and stress of our mid-pregnancy ultrasound and the little gender revealing party I threw (I am not a natural hostess -- my introvert self likes going to parties, not throwing them).  So I allowed myself a few days of grace afterward to recuperate.

Only I didn't recuperate.

Now, a week after my grace period, I'm wondering what else has been leaving me feeling so depleted.

Of course, there's being pregnant.  Today is the seven month mark -- seven marks since my sweet girl died and was born.  That's bound to add a profound level of stress and, as a result, exhaustion.  This I understand.  What I don't understand is why the exhaustion is suddenly so much deeper, so long lasting.

There's my activity level to consider -- but really these days I'm not doing much more than walking.  I do my prenatal workout DVD once or twice a week if I'm lucky, and the rest of the time I walk, for no more than an hour and usually far less.  Yesterday I managed 20 minutes on the treadmill.  So I don't think it's that.

My food intake?  Normal, with a healthy level of indulgence (leftover penis cake?  yes, please).

My sleep?  I'm getting at least eight hours each night, and often more.

My growing belly?  I guess this could be a factor . . . Baby is measuring about a week ahead, but I don't know why that should affect much.  I'm only 23 weeks along, and while my belly is feeling quite large these days, it doesn't seem like I should be so devastatingly tired as a result.  Besides, I love feeling those baby kicks. 

Creative projects?  I haven't been doing as much art as my blogging might lead you to believe.  Basically, what I've shared is all that I've been doing, and I haven't worked on said art projects since last Thursday.  The same with my writing.

Other stress?  In therapy I've been working on some intense and deep-seated hurt from my growing up years, and I'll admit that it is definitely a heavy burden.  But a burden heavy enough to crush?  I am not so sure . . .

So what is up, body?  I'm getting frustrated enough that I'll be asking my doctor about it at our next appointment. 

I wasn't sure where this blog post was going when I started it, and now, at the end, I'm still not.  I suppose this is more of a ranty post than anything, and I don't know how to conclude.  So I'll leave you with some fun stuff, like . . .

 . . . new art available for sale . . .

Be Gentle


Untitled
  

. . . the release of my first-ever eBook, Life After Eating Disorder . . .

Untitled

. . . and my most precious work-in-progress . . .

22 weeks

Sharing this belly photo makes me so . . . happy.  (I type that word gingerly, as if to name it is to kill it.)  This photo, it puts the exhaustion in perspective.  Because all these discomforts, they're so worth it, aren't they, even the most severe ones?  And my current exhaustion, although profound, is bearable and certainly not severe.

As I write these words, I feel sweet baby kicks from within, and my memory is refreshed -- I would do anything for this boy.  I would have done anything for his sister.  I am so in love with our little family, as broken as it is.  I am their mama, and I will do what I must do.  I do it gladly. 

Thanks for reading this long and meandering post, friends.  Can you forgive me for its scattered nature?  For something more coherent, check out my June article for Still Standing Magazine, which went live yesterday.

linking up with:
StudioJRU

18 comments:

  1. I love your honest and real mama words: "I would do anything for this boy. I would have done anything for his sister. I am so in love with our little family, as broken as it is."

    Beautiful. And that about says it. Regardless of anything else, those words hold true. Sometimes we have to rant a little in order to get to the truth. Or in order to just get through the day.

    Love and prayers for you, beautiful mama.

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    1. Thank you so much, sweet Kelly.

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  2. its so normal that you would feel this way. Being pregnant, after loss, is so.... indescribable... in the few words I have here. But you sum it up exactly. Your current artwork is lovely. Your most precious work in progress is awesome. Take it easy on yourself. You wont find the normal baby things 'right' for a while. Impressive at all that you can produce art and turn up at parties around pregnancy! Really, really, good for you. Thats why you wrote this post ;o) I for one am glad you did x

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    1. Thank you so much, Kelly and Saravega! Your sweet words mean so much...I was worried that this post was way too self-indulgent and petulant. Thank you for the affirmation. Hugs.

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  3. its so normal that you would feel this way. Being pregnant, after loss, is so.... indescribable... in the few words I have here. But you sum it up exactly. Your current artwork is lovely. Your most precious work in progress is awesome. Take it easy on yourself. You wont find the normal baby things 'right' for a while. Impressive at all that you can produce art and turn up at parties around pregnancy! Really, really, good for you. Thats why you wrote this post ;o) I for one am glad you did x

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  4. love the bump!! Sometimes just being a Mommy makes you tired, for no clear reason. I guess it's just part of laying it all out there...hoping you feel refreshed and energized soon!

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  5. Ohhhh I love that belly shot:) I am really sorry you are so worn out. There are certainly MANY reasons for you to feel this way. I would say it's OK to feel it. I hope you are getting lots of time to rest and reflect. I do remember a time in my life when I went through some healing of childhood hurts. I was so physically exhausted that I though I was clinically depressed, but really it was just exhausting dealing with past. Once it was out and a little time had passed I begin to feel a wonderful energizing hope. Well at this point in your pregnancy I would not count on a tone of energy :0 but praying for lots of HOPE! One day at a time my friend you ARE making it!

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  6. I love the belly picture :)

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  7. Hey Beth- do you have an email I could contact you at? I just wanted to ask you a few questions about your ED and how your faith helped you?

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    1. Sure thing, Madison! My email is epiphanyartstudio (at) zoho (dot) com

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  8. Love the bump picture! Maybe getting all of this off your heart will help lift you up. On a less spiritual level, maybe anemia? Anyhow, hope you get to feeling less stressed, less exhausted, and can enjoy your days as your new baby boy grows inside. What a gift.

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  9. That picture is so precious and makes me smile too. :)

    I think just pregnancy in general (plus a rainbow pregnancy) plus grief is enough to make you exhausted. I have been feeling really tired lately with grief, even two years out. It just sometimes catches up with you.

    I love that last paragraph about your sweet family.

    You are such a talented artist. I am going to look into buying something eventually.

    Much love and hugs.

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  10. I love that last, beautiful, sweet photo! What a wonderful shot! Beautiful art pieces. I love how your wrap the writing around the hair like you do! I am sorry you are not feeling well... hoping you feel better soon!

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  11. hello, Beth, you have a way with words and sometimes your words echo in the experiences we've had in the past and we remember our own challenges. I hope and pray with you and claim Isaiah 40:31 for you "they that hope in the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."
    hugs,
    peggy aplSEEDS

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"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King