Saturday, November 17, 2012

Miracle Babies

6 weeks + 2 days

This week I started to become less gracious feeling about Jacob.  I swore after losing Eve that this would never happen, that I would never feel frustrated with our living children if we came to have any, but of course my humanity has set in and the honeymoon is wearing a little thin.  Not because Jacob's done anything wrong, and not because I love him any less, but because I have been trying to "get things done."  Writing, exercise, a bit of art -- each day I'm on the lookout for an hour in which I can give myself one of these things. 

He hasn't been cooperating, of course.  He just doesn't like to nap during the day unless it's in my arms.  And given that one of my arms is weak, that leaves me with only a single fully functioning arm with which to take care of him and try to get some of my own stuff in.

Obviously, his needs win every time.  As they should.  But between that and dwindling sleep fore me (several times this week I [rather foolishly, no doubt] sacrificed sleep for writing or art-making), I've been feeling a bit more cranky.

Until this morning.

After even less sleep than usual, Jacob and I were enjoying some post-nursing cuddling.  I got to thinking about how Eve was our miracle baby.  We'd been told to expect me to be infertile as a result of my battle with disordered eating.  And then, unplanned and yet so wanted, Eve came into being against all the odds.  A miracle, I called it.  Our miracle baby.

And then she died, and we conceived Jacob right away.  Meaning that I likely am not (thank you, God) infertile after all, although time will tell for sure.  Which, I thought to myself this morning, probably makes Jacob not a miracle baby.

But then I felt his skin soft against my own, my skin that is so calloused by 30 years of fighting for hope in this sometimes hopeless world, and I realized -- he is most definitely a miracle, every inch of him.

The way he came into our lives in the reverberations of disaster . . . the way his every breath heals a bit more of my grief-shattered parts . . the way the slate depths of his eyes seem to be a window into God's own heart -- a miracle, without a doubt, and worth every bit of sacrifice.

I can't believe I doubted it even for a moment.

5 comments:

  1. Absolutely miracles. Both of them. :)

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  2. Definitely a miracle, Beth. <3

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  3. Both of your precious babies are miracles. I know that my own son is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. But last night when he started vomiting at 1am and his temp shot up to 101.6 and I hadn't even been to sleep yet and I'm only averaging about 5 hours a night during the week, I can't say that I was thinking "Wow! How miraculous that I get to hunt for the Tylenol and smear on Vicks and try to convince him that crying causes more vomiting! Yay!" But I got up and I rubbed his little back while he puked and I propped him up on the couch and tucked him in and gave him Tylenol and rubbed on Vicks and got him water to sip when the coughing hurt his throat. Just because I was exhausted and would rather have been sleeping doesn't mean that I don't love him and appreciate him. I absolutely did NOT make him feel bad about any of it or speak to him harshly - that is the important thing. Not the "Crap, I'm tired and wish that vomiting happened during the day instead of the middle of the night" feeling, the way you handle the feeling. Even when Jacob is crying for the zillion time and you don't feel like picking him up AGAIN to settle him down, I'd bet a million dollars that you DO and that you smile at him and hold him gently and lovingly and he feels loved and safe. THAT is the important part. You know he's a miracle, you don't forget that. Sometimes miracles are loud and messy and troublemakers. Sometimes they color on the walls with their Crayola markers and get put in time out.

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"I am glad you are here with me."
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King