It's amazing the difference a year can make - the difference that a year has made.
At this time last year, I'd barely begun to grieve. The new year loomed, and I hated it. I hated the idea of leaving the only year in all of past and future history that my daughter would ever be alive on this earth for. Leaving the year that I've come to think of as her year felt wrong.
But of course all my kicking and screaming could not stop the calendar from rolling over to 2012. And while I dreaded the passing of days that brought me farther and farther from Eve's life, this year has proven to be a blessing.
2012 brought me so much. It brought me our son, our rainbow baby whose sweet, silly smiles I cannot get enough of. It brought the beginning of healing from losing Eve, although not the end of it. It brought challenges that will, in the long term, I think, prove to have grown my husband and I stronger and closer together. It has brought new, precious friends into my life, introduced by our children in Heaven or by a mutual love of art-making. It has brought an awareness of courage and strength and patience that I never imagined I had. It brought more art, and more words.
2012, in spite of all my trepidation, has been a gift.
Even better, on this last day of the year looking forward to 2013, I have hope, and I have peace - things I did not have on December 31, 2011.
So what about the new year?
I've thought about choosing one word as a focus for growth in 2013, but I can't find just one that fills the part. Instead, I have discovered a phrase - "be here now." I am excited to see where it takes me.
Keeping that phrase in mind, I am looking forward to watching my son grow, and feeling my marriage grow stronger. I am hoping for a deepening of faith. I am planning new art adventures. I am wanting to let go of the anxiety that invaded my life on the day Eve died, anxiety that has at times been crippling. I am praying for further entering in of the freedom God so recklessly offers.
Thank you for joining me in the incredible, insane, terrifying, wonderful journey that 2012 has been, blog friends. Your words encourage me more than you know. Here's to another year of being brave together.
My love to you all.