I am noticing that my brain is changed.
I don't know if it's the bed rest or the fact that my doctor expects this rainbow boy to make his debut earlier than expected, but I suddenly have very few words. (This is why I have not been blogging very much.) My brain often feels foggy from the combination of rest and the smoke from summer fires that is filling our valley and our home. My body aches, my gaze has turned inward, and all I want is to simply be.
So that is what I am doing. Resting, reading, feeling, and waiting. Trusting.
It is kind of amazing, actually. Profound. Because suddenly this young woman who has staked so much of her worth on what she does and earns and accomplishes is no longer allowed to do. The one expectation placed upon me by myself and my loved ones and my doctor is to rest, and rest only. My most important job is to be gentle with my self (body and heart and mind) and give this baby the time he needs to enter this world safe and whole.
At first, it was really hard for me to not do. I chafed at the rest, complained.
But now it is better. Now I am finding value in this resting.
Maybe this is what life with God is really like. It's easy for me to feel like I have something to offer Him, that if I'm good enough or if I pray enough or read the Bible enough or volunteer enough or look pretty enough or am skinny enough, He will love me more, that I will become more precious. That if I tick enough "shoulds" off my list, then my value will increase.
But that's not how it works, is it? He loves me just as much when I am mean and selfish as when I am patient and generous and kind. His love doesn't depend on me, on what I do or don't do, but first and only upon Himself.
That is what I am learning this week.
And so I am giving myself permission to write or to not write, to make art or not, to simply be instead of trying to force myself into some kind of not-very-restful-but-always-doing version of bed rest.
I am beginning to discover that God has something for me (and you) in every season, that no span of waiting is wasted. I am so grateful for this.
|Our smokey valley, taken at about 4:00 PM|
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A few things that I've been wanting to share . . .
While on bed rest I have been able to continue to participate in Jan Avellana's wonderful e-course, Shine Bright. It has been a wonderful journey, gently delving into how God really sees me and the gifts He's given me (namely, creative gifts). Jan has another round of Shine Bright starting up in October, and I wanted to let you all know in case you are interested. I can't say enough about how amazing and needed this course has been for me. You can learn more about Shine Bright here, and enter a giveaway to win a free spot in the October class here.
This weekend my book, Life After Eating Disorder: How to Have One, is enjoying a price drop. Instead of $2.99, the Kindle version is now $0.99. It will be live on the morning of Saturday, September 1. (I was trying to get it to be free, but Kindle Publishing wouldn't let me -- if you know how to wrangle that, please let me know!) Also, if you have read Life After Eating Disorder and want to submit your opinion on it, I'd love if you could leave a review on its Amazon page, here.